This is where I'm at...

(May 9, 2014 (posted on Facebook, my blog group page.)

This is where I'm at...

My life has changed so much this year, and we haven't even hit the half way marker of 2014.

All has been so much more than I could have ever dreamed of, I apologize for the lack of sharing, but it has been, rather chaotic as well, nothing that I'd change...well, Up until now.

The month of April flew by! Got to hang out with Steven for a couple of weeks following getting married on the 5th of April.  I'm such a lucky girl.

Now MAY is here, I am in Plainview this whole month counting down the days with my sweet Bonnie till her last day of Pre-K, she's so ready for it to be summer.

MAY, a month that has been so anticipated since the end of March, because I have my sweet Bonnie girl again... turned quickly into a month of experiencing feeling completely blessed one minute (this lovely feeling comes first thing in the morning, waking up Bonnie, getting her bathed, doing her hair, getting her fed before 7:30, tending to her every need, then off to school we go), to me finding myself so discouraged, and confused, laying on the couch in my dads living room, crying out, on my face praying, alone, because everyone is at work or at school, & counting down the hours till I get to pick my sweet girl up from school, so I don't have to sit and sift through things that aren't fun for me. Most days, falling asleep till it's time to get her, it helps time go by much quicker.

However, I have found most comfort in music, and so much comfort in prayer the past couple of months...

Kudos to Kari Jobe's "Majestic" & Francesca Battistelli "If we're honest" albums. Both, Highly recommended albums!

I have several favorites from both albums, and they really have brought so much comfort, and have even shined some light on things that sometimes get tucked away in our every day life as believers. I've naturally memorized, and speak the truth that these songs proclaim daily... with every ounce of my heart, truly believing every word I recite.

In one of the songs by FB, it talks about having brokenness, and as believers, "if we're honest" the best thing we could ever do, is you bring your brokenness, and I'll bring mine... Cause love can heal what hurt divides, & "if we're honest" I'm a mess, and so are you.

So here it is. I'm bringing my brokenness... Friends, if I'm going to be honest, I'm a heaping pile of everything a mess could possibly be... BUT, I believe being honest with myself, and with God, and you guys... it's going to change my life, it's going to set me free from my brokenness.

Bonnie starts her Kindergarten year, this coming August! Is this even possible!

Being that I am now married, and will reside in Dalhart with Steven, the court ordered, 3 months on, 3 months off, that Bons dad and I've practiced the past couple of years can no longer exist. Obviously.

Which brings us to... Bons dad, and I having to discuss change, and what the absolute best thing for Bonnie is.

This past Monday, I went to visit with my lawyer for guidance, how to go about this whole process the very best way, and I was given 2 options...

1.) go to court, and bring a list of things going against her dad, all statements being true, with proof behind my list, (of course), as to why she should NOT be with her dad.

OR

2.) talk to bons dad, come up with something we BOTH agree on is best for Bon, and have our papers changed. (So pretty much, just a more simple, adult way to go about this whole thing.)

My answers to both options:

1.) Absoutely not. I do not want to do that.

2.) that sounds like a much better idea.

I left the lawyers office feeling completely overwhelmed, & found myself on my dads couch. Very Confused. Discouraged. Worried about how I was going to bring this up to Bonnie's dad. I don't like confrontation, and was not looking forward to sparking up the conversation pertaining to, "the time has come, Bon starts her Kinder year..." And so on.

I then sought counsel that was probably better off, not seeking, but eh... What's done is done.

I somehow very quickly, that same day, stirred up the courage of just getting out with it, and letting Kody know the steps I had taken, and where I stood in the process, thankfully he was in the same spot I was, we both know it's time, and it has to be done. (Phew.)

We ended that conversation with, we'd write down our thoughts about what is best for Bonnie, and then the following evening (Tuesday) meeting with one another, discussing and hopefully coming up with the best thing for Bonnie Kayte. (Call Ended.)

I was stoked.
1.) that the conversation went so smoothly.
2.) that we were on the same page, and just needed the "here's your sign".

And I feel that we both got that. As far as taking the steps needing to be taken, to start the process. I immediately called Steven to share with him everything, and he too was happy that it went so well, and was glad that we had decided to talk, just Kody and I, first, and then later talk with Steven & Victoria, letting them know what we discussed, and decided, and what their thoughts, and feelings were. In Stevens opinion, that's how it should be, I agreed.

Tuesday is here... I've lost sleep, I've bounced around in my mind the way the conversation would go, being that I think it's best for Bon to be with me, and he feels it's best for Bon to be with him, along with about a million other things, come 6 o'clock, I still haven't heard from Kody about a time or place we'd be meeting to talk. So I send a text saying "Hey did you have a time and place you were thinking?". His response to that text did nothing more than make my stomach turn, because right then I knew it wasn't going to happen as peachy as talked about the day before. Never does, especially when you have people in your head, telling you their thoughts and feelings, when remember, this is about Bonnie, and what is best for her. "Nope is Steven in town"

(In the sought counsel that I never should have taken (mentioned above) it was stated that Bonnie may be little, but she knows that she wants, and where she wants to be.

My thoughts were. That's silly, but the more I got to think about it, I thought that's very true. Bonnie isn't your normal 5 year old, it's actually mind boggling at times, and that phrase became not so silly to me anymore "Bonnie may be little, but she still knows what she wants, and where she wants to be")

Instead of assuming that this whole plan we had of meeting, sitting, and discussing what's best for Bonnie like adults should, was going to be as bunk as it was, I picked up the phone, and called Kody. Just a few minutes after 6pm, I was heading to get Bonnie from gymnastics (which ended at 6:30), I thought surely we'd be able to decide if this was going to happen, or not.

Kody, and I'm sure another... decided to change the original plan, how about let's just discuss this over the phone (in my head I thought, "how about, let's not") because just like any other discussion we've had prior to this one, we'll get no where.

So here I am parked at Rebel cheer, "discussing" what will be best for Bon. Over the phone.

I got a lot from that conversation,

1.) I'm the reason we are in the situation we are in. I should have never moved to Dalhart, or married someone that lives in Dalhart, and should have thought more about Bonnie. (Because my ex-husband says so) (cool.)

2.) I was told basically to just let them have her, because that's what's best for Bonnie, if not I'm taking her away from all of her family. "Him, Victoria, Gammy, popo..."

3.) I was asked if I've ever asked Bonnie what she wanted. (My answer, no)

4.) we both don't want to go to court and share with one another why we think Bon should be with me vs. You and vice versa, but we were dang sure doing it over the phone. We should of just waited, and let it all happen in the courtroom, I guess. (I still don't wanna)

5.) I was hung up on because at 6:30 when I walked in to get Bonnie at gymnastics, still on the phone, I said "well I guess I am done talking about this for now." For obvious reason being Bonnie was now around, and I didn't want her to witness what two "adults" sounded like talking over one another. (Click)

I was very upset getting off that phone call, I held back a lot, and kept from cry during the whole thing.

Needless to say, I completely lose it when Bon and I get to the car. I was crying from the pits of my feet. I was so hurt by that conversation.

On the straight shot road a couple of miles to my dads, it was silent.
From the back seat I hear "what's wrong momma". Now arrived at my dads, I park, and say, "I'm sorry Bon, my feelings are just really hurt right now, but everything is going to be okay" she unbuckled and hugged my neck. Best hug, ever.

She then asked, who were you on the phone with? I said, your Dad. With her iPod in hand, and it being connected to my dad wifi she says "ok, let just call him" and started face-timing him, I quickly reminded her that her speakers didn't work, so her dad wouldn't be able to hear her if she FaceTimed him. She ended it. (Phew.)

He then tries calling her back twice on her iPod, and she doesn't answer, because of my reminder, and so I offered her my phone.

Still sitting in my car, she calls her dad back, she is in the back seat, I can hear him ask her about her day and such, just normal talk, then I hear him say something along the lines of "well hand," you start kindergarten next school year, and me and your mom are discussing what we are going to do, what's best for you, since she is moving back to Dalhart. I think you should be here with us, and all your family... But what do you want? Where do you want live?

(My heart sank to my stomach, I didn't think he'd discuss it with her so soon, or over the phone... I was sick.)

Bonnie: I wanna live in Dalhart.
(My heart raced, and my eyes about came our of my head.)
Kody: why?
Bonnie: I just do.
Kody: why thou? You don't have any family there?
Bonnie: yes I do! I have Steven, my mommy, and my sister.
(Silence on both ends of the phone for what seemed like 5 minutes long)

I was now crying happy tears. My heart was/is so full .

They ended that phone call with something totally off subject.

Him and I have not talked since he hung up on me. Which is fine. Time is good.

& I have not mentioned anything to Bonnie about her, and her dads conversation.

I have continued praying. Feeling completely confused.

I can't even fathom the thought of getting to see Bonnie a couple weekends a month, and longest time being spent with her in the summer...

I get to be a stay at home mom, which means I would get to do for, and be there for Bonnie every single day. That's my job. I'm sorry, but in this case it's not Victorias, and me saying "ok y'all can have her" is letting her have my baby. And I can't. I just can't. It's my job to enroll, and take her to school. I'm not sick, my health won't interfere with taking care of her everyday. It's my job to get her ready, and do her hair every morning. To tuck her in at night. To take her shopping. To bathe her. To sing songs together that we made up when she was "2". To pick her up from school and get an ear full of her day, and how she may have had to pull a color because she needs to really work on sitting crisscross applesauce. To put bandaids on her hurts. To hold her hand in the car. To hold her when she's sleepy. To praise her when she pours her own glass of milk. To tell her how impressive it is that she can make a flower shape in her spoon, with her Trix cereal. To tell her stories and hear her sweet laugh. To watch her baby dolls when she need to go to the store. To laugh with her, because we are so hilarious together. To listen to hear sing along to "Let it Go" when she suppose to be asleep. These are all my job. She calls ME, Mommy. I'm her Mommy. She said she wants to be with Steven, Mommy, and her new sister....

So why God? Why do I have to go through this? It's not fair! & I don't understand!

If I'm honest. 

.... this is where I'm at.

-malorie